10 Reasons why I am an idiot (when it comes to my ex-boyfriend)

Let's qualify that statement. Things about my ex-boyfriend that I am an idiot to have put up with.

1) No loud talking in the morning. He is apparently a very fragile individual and cannot tolerate any loud noises in the morning until he has had a least one cup of coffee and two cigarettes. Now, it is okay to listen to George Jones at top volume but no loud talking or banging around.

2) Sex only in the bed. That's right. Sex only in the bed and usually on Saturday. No nookie on the couch. No sex on the kitchen counter. Nope Nope. In the year we were together I think we had "non-bed sex" maybe 3 times.

3) No man should take longer to get ready than his girlfriend. Admittedly, I get ready pretty quick. We can chalk that up to being decisive. He, on the other hand, was a constant parade of this shirt or that sweater. Don't get me started on the tie selection process. Then once the wardrobe has been selected, then there is the hair. My god!!! He actually asked me once "how is the hair?" It took everything I had to not double over laughing.

4) This is sensitive but true. Prior to engaging in sex, in the bed (see above) there was the question "Did you poo?" "Have you taken a shower?". Now, lets preface this with the fact that I am a very well groomed girl. Waxing/dyeing/plucking/exfoliating etc. All of these things are covered. Not to mention it was 6 months before I could poo at his house anyway. I felt like he was always listening at the door. What's with the poo????? Plus that really douses any va va voom that might have been happening.

5) No picnics. I love picnics. I could not get this dude outside to save my life. Even as a small concession to me??? Nope.

6) His sleep habits. He is a tortured guy, this has been established. And I didn't make him that way. But the leg flailing, lip smacking, pillow punching, teeth grinding and shouting his ex-wife's name really got to me after a while. I lost a lot of fucking sleep over those 12 months and now I have wrinkles from it, dammit.

7) He never came to my apartment. I have a lovely little place and it didn't reek of cigarette smoke like his. But no, I was at his place 4 nights a week and at home alone the other 3(thank god for that, it was the only time I slept). Again no compromise.

8) He would stare at girls. Now, I don't have any issue with that (half the time, I was staring first) but when he would then talk about how "fuckable" they were to me!!!!! That is were the train came off the tracks. Geez dude, have a little respect.

9) He didn't go anywhere. Like trips. There was always the big talk about going to Big Sur or San Francisco. But when the actual planning or date setting came around, there was always some sort of strife in his life that prohibited him from leaving his 15 mile radius. That's ridiculous!!!

10) He was a bad kisser. He had sorta to Roto-Rooter approach to kissing and that gets old right quick. I even tried talking him down a bit, but to no avail. I guess its a good thing that he didn't kiss much after all.